If love means letting go
by MissC.Sommers
Summary: Amanda's thoughts about the "ring scene" in 1x10 Fake Plastic Snow. Amanda Tanen c'est moi. xD


**If love means letting go**

_**Author's note: **_Well, here I am. This is a little missing moment from 1x10 episode _Fake plastic snow, _Amanda's point of view. What could I say? _Amanda Tanen c'est moi._

_Enjoy ^^_

It could be the first of a little saga.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own UB or any characters affiliated with its production. Any real living people mentioned in this fiction are portrayed with creative licence.

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_Sometimes I still think you're a little boring, I swear I do._

_But you're so adorable, though._

_M__y mind is really fixed on you, how can I help?_

_Hit my heart, destroy it, shoot it; it's yours, in a pile of rubble._

_I hate you. I love you._

_And why not? Isn't hate a degeneration of love? Those two feelings have so much in common._

_I hate loving you and__ I love hating you. Call me crazy, I do._

_I hate myself too._

_How could I dare falling in love with you? I knew who you were, and I'm just nothing special._

_I'm so jealous of her, you can't even imagine; I guess I had murderous thoughts, sometimes._

_Have you ever felt the air vanishing from the lungs? Have you ever felt lost like I do?_

_God, I need you and I'm trying to be strong, for once in my life._

_The problem is… I'm not strong at all, and I let myself struggling and falling down…_

_Often I'm afraid to see my armor collapsing, like that time._

_It was Halloween and Betty… Oh God, I really cried in front of Betty Suarez? Take it as an example. I'm so damn breakable now… Or already broken._

_I don't mean it's your guilt, no. I know… I perfectly know I can't force you, yeah? But all this pain… Why have I to love you?_

_Tell me just why!_

_I just feel… I just feel this emptiness, it's like I can't go on, I'm too sad… Too sad for everything._

_I miss you, I miss you so bad… You don't even know how much I love you. I know, she doesn't love you as much as I do, she never will. None will._

_You're always, always in my mind; not as a pleasure… As my inside pain. I'm sorry for my weakness… I'm never been strong, and… You're been my last wound._

_I should stop faking. I do care about you, I can't deny; it's too bad for me, and you're really too bad for my healthy._

_Sometimes happens I can't help but thinking about you, and when it happens… I can't go away, you're with me, step by step._

_You made me feel the loneliness… And believe me, it's hard to be alone if that's not what you want._

_I know… I had to know…_

_Have you ever felt like you're never enough? Like everything you want is fading away? Have you ever cried for love?_

_Love, funny. So simple word, so much pain. _

_I'm talking about physical pain__: no more, no less. _

_I know you'll be okay… I hope you will.__ Despite all, love is stronger than hate; and… I could never really hate you, even if you hurt me bad._

_Sometimes I dream about you… _

_I like those dreams, especially one._

_We're walking on the sidewalk, it's raining, and I'm crying._

_You smile to me (you've never__ really done it, and this is an open smile!) and open your umbrella. Then you say "Don't worry honey, it's okay, I'm there" and you wipe my tears._

_I smile back and I rest my head on your shoulder; and that's the moment I like the most: you hold my hand, and we go away, under the rain._

_I love that feeling of being together. It never really happened to me. _

_Together…_

_It's… I'm not living now, just surviving; and… A survivor can't be happy, he just can try to be not desperate._

_I'm so angry! I would shout, I would break everything next to me…_

_I would kill you, her, I would destroy every lovely couple in this fucking world, Betty and his adorable accountant guy first. How it's clear what they feel for each other, and how much I envy her! She's next you every day… She knows your smallest secrets, your fears, whatever comes to your mind; and I envy her! I'm pretty, everyone knows, but for you she's beautiful… And I can even understand why._

_I hate my weakness… I hate myself, Daniel: have you ever hated yourself? _

_I might find mine place in this world, someday__. It's just… I'm wondering if I'm ever gonna be okay without…_

_How much times have I said "I"? I can't help but be selfish, at least a little._

_If love means letting go..._

_It's just I can't; how could I?_

_How could I give you back the ring? Could I… Give up?_

_Have I… Have I to give up?_

_I never really had you, I never will._

_They say love means letting go._

_I had this nightmare yesterday night._

_Remember what I said about my dreams__ about you? My favourite has turned into a nightmare._

_When I start crying, you snort… Then you open the umbrella and look at me, an annoyed expression printed on your face._

"_So? Can you please stop?"_

_I just can't; I know what are you gonna do._

"_So… I'm going."_

_You give me the umbrella… _

_You're going for your way,__ and I'm never gonna be part of your world._

_You're walking alone, and I squeeze the handle of the umbrella trying to stop the tears._

_A gust of wind hit me bad and the umbrella flies away._

_I'm alone._

_I'm alone, under the rain._

_I know you're not my destiny… And I'm not your destiny. We're not a perfect fit, I can't hope, I can't; you're thinking about marriage… But you want her, not me, and even if I know I love you more, because none can love you as I do… _

_If love means letting go…_

_You're talking on the phone, you're smiling. You're really, really smiling. Do you know? You have a beautiful smile._

_The ring falls down, and I'm falling too._

_I'm lost, and I feel my heart breaking, little by little; it's making noise, screaming, burning._

_I'm so scared…_

_I scoop the ring from the floor, trembling._

_It's time._

_It's time to give up, it's time to wake up from the beautiful but very false dream._

_Now I know I can._

_He's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever, but now I'm giving the ring back._

_I take my life back._

_I didn't even know my own strength. _

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